Bella on Crack
by SimonAndSimone
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella somehow gets on crack. When she hangs out with the LaPush boys anything can happen! Falling for Embrey and what about toothpaste? Then what happens when the Cullens come back! T just in case. SEQUEL IS UP! BELLAS HUMAN EXPERIENCES
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Twilight. I also don't own and songs on here.**

Jake was reading _Teen People_ when he heard the strains of...Low?

"_She had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur with the fur, the whole club was looking at her, she hit the flo next thing you know, Shawty got low low low low low"_ What the hell?! He ran outside and saw Bella killing butterflies with a squirt gun.

"Bella?" he asked. She slowly turned around and screamed, "Dali Lama!" and threw herself at the person behind him. He turned to see and surprised Quil.

"Umm Okay?" he asked looking at Jake. "Jesus Bella, you smell like crack. Holy crap! She's _is_ on crack!" he yelled.

"What!?" yelled Jake. Just then Embrey and Paul showed up to see what all the yelling was about. They looked at Bella who was muttering, "Chicken Noodle Soup." over and over, with raised eyebrows. "She's on crack." said Jake. Just then Bella started singing Fergalicious. Then she saw Embrey and her mouth dropped open.

"Oh my Carsile." she said. They shrugged. "I think I am in love." she said and slowly walked over to Embrey. Everyone was in shock. "Will...will...you go out with me?" asked Bella looking at her feet.

"I...yeah..sure." said Embrey still in shock. Bella looked up her eyes swimming. "Really?" she asked.

"Uh, Yeah." he said. She jumped up and kissed him full on the mouth. Jake growled while everyone else roared with laughter. Embrey glared at them.

"I think we should watch her." said Quil and everyone agreed.

Bella was singing "The Best Damn Thing." at the top of her voice while the boys were wrestling when she yelled, "I want a chicken pot pie!" They all stopped and stared at her.

"NOW!" she yelled and Embrey jumped up and ran off. They all stared at her while she started doing the Macerena. They shook their heads and went back to wrestling.

"Here's you pie babe." panted Embrey ten minutes later. Bella jumped up and yelled, "Yipee!" and grabbed it from him. After she ate two mouthfuls she spat them out and tossed the pie away.

"That took all my allowance!" yelled Embrey. She smiled seductively and started giving him a lap dance. Jake growled and everyone else was dying from laughter.

Bella was going through all the Harry Potter movies spewing out stuff like,"Bloody Hell Harry, what was that for?" or "Turn to page three-hundred-ninety-four."while the boys were talking. Just then they all stiffened. They started growling. Embrey went over to Bella and put an arm around her waist and shushed her. They smelled vampire!

**Okay total randomness but whatever! RxR!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own Twilight. I also don't own and songs on here.**

Bella was oblivious to what was happening and was drawing pictures with...toothpaste! Slowly five shapes came into view.

"Oh My Gawsh!" screeched Alice. "Bella!" Bella growled. "It's Doris Muffin." she muttered. Alice ran at her. Bella stood up and made the sign of the cross.

"Back evil pixie. Tell your fairy queen I will not be a tithe to Hell!" she screamed. All the Cullens stopped in their tracks. Alice's mouth was open in a O. Bella calmly began to hum her ABC's. They werewolves rolled their eyes. "Bella?" asked Emmett. She looked up.

"It's Doris Muffin and-" she stopped when she saw Jasper. She started to hyperventilate.

"Oh. My. God. Is that Jasper?" she asked breathlessly.

"Um yeah." said Jasper. She stood up and walked over to him and yelled, "Soulja Boy!" and started doing the dance and singing and yelling, "It's Soulja Boy!" Emmett was laughing so hard the ground shook. Bella stopped and looked at him.

"Oh, My. It's...It's..It's KING KONG!" she yelled and started pounding on her chest. Everyone stared at her.

"And it's that girl...oh yeah HANNAH MONTANNA!" she yelled pointing at Rosalie.

"And...and...OMG DUMBLEDORE!" she screamed and pointed and Edward.

"Avada Kadvra!" she shrieked and pointed at him. He looked utterly bemused.

"Bella?" he whispered. She looked at him and began to sing, "Ring around the Rosie." in a really creepy voice. Everyone shuddered. Then she burst out crying and ran over to Embrey. She started making out with him and everyone stared. Edward snarled. She turned to him.

"You'll never take us alive!" she yelled and grabbed and table cloth from her pocket and tied it around her neck and proceeded to run in circles humming the Bat Man theme song.

"Duh Na Na Na Duh Na Na Na, BAT MAN!" she yelled. They all turned the the boys.

"She's on crack cause he left." sighed Jake pointing at Edward.

**Okay RxR! Oh and I don't own any movies Kay?**


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Twilight. **

"What?!" yelled all the Cullens. Bella came back and started to talk to Jasper about photosynthesis. He just stared at her. Then she turned to Emmett and said "break dance babe" and started spinning on her head. They all gasped. She got up and walked over to Edward. "You are a turkey!" she yelled and started singing and doing the Chicken Dance. Edward gaped at her. Then she went over to Rosalie and said, "If you're Hannah Montana why aren't you singing?" Then to Jasper, "You too! You are the great almighty Soulja Boy. If your shy I can do the dance." then she turned to Emmett, "Do you like bannannannannannas?" she asked. Then she turned back to Edward. "If your Dumbledore, wait no thats your daddy. You can be umm Harry! Harry has anger problems and can see inside Voldie's head like you! Ginny has red hair so you and Victoria can get together and I will be...Percy!" she yelled. Then she started to act very professional and pretend to shake somebody's hand while saying,"Yes I understand Mr. Fudge. Very well." Everyone was laughing except Edward and Jake. She stopped and turned around very slowly. She walked over to Jasper and said, "Danny's not here right now." while moving her finger up and down. Everyone cracked up again except Jake and Edward. She turned to Paul.

"I want a piggy back ride." when he didn't respond she screamed, "GIVE ME A DAMN PIGGY BACK RIDE OR I WILL DESTROY ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKING BARBIES!" He gaped and bent down so she could climb on his back. "Did Bella just say that?" whispered Edward. They all nodded and watched Paul run around with her on his back. When they passed Embrey Bella flung herself at him and he barley caught her.

"My night in shining armor." she crooned and hit his nose with her finger. They started making out again and Edward snarled. Bella walked over to Alice and screamed, "Tam Lin is mine!" and stalked off. Everyone burst out laughing minus Edward and now Alice.

Then she started singing, "Crush Crush Crush." very well. She walked over to Jasper and sang, "hey taped over your mouth  
Scribbled out the truth with their lies  
You little spies  
They taped over your mouth  
Scribbled out the truth with their lies  
You little spies

Crush  
Crush  
Crush  
Crush, crush  
(Two, three, four!)

Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone  
Just the one, two I was just counting on  
That never happens  
I guess I'm dreaming again  
Let's be more than this" He stared at her.

She waltzed off to Emmett and began sining "Emergency." Then she stopped in front of Edward and sang the whole "When you're gone." song in a really sad voice. He stared at her.

"Edward smells like...a moths, uncles, orange, umbrella shaped, computer!" and waltzed off to sing "Touch my Body." They looked at each other.

**Like it? Hate it? RxR!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Twilight. **

Bella was dancing and singing "Miss Murder" How you dance to Miss Murder is beyond all of them but dance she did.

They all turned to the boys again. "Explain." hissed Edward.

"When you left Bella was all depressed and sad. She was cutting herself. Then today she came over acting all weird and she smelled like crack. We don't know where she got it." said Jake.

They all sighed. Bella came over and said to Paul, "I need a hug." he was about to hug her when she yelled, "Not from you dickweed! I want you to find someone to hug me!" he stared at her. She pointed at Rosalie. "Her." Rosalie's mouth dropped open. "Never mind." said Bella. "Him." she said pointing at Jasper. He looked nervous. She hugged him and then she...stuck gum in his honey hair. She cackled.

"An apple my pretty?" she asked randomly holding out an imaginary apple to Edward. When he didn't respond she yelled, "TAKE THE DAMN APPLE HARRY!" he flinched and took the "apple" "eat it." she urged. He pretended to take a bite. "NOW FALL OVER!" she shrieked. He sat down. She screamed. Then he had to do it four times until he got it right. "Right. Now you." she pointed at Emmett. "Kiss him." Edward shot up and Emmett's mouth dropped open.

"DO IT!" Screamed Bella holding up the keys...to EWDARD'S VOLVO!

"If you don't say goodbye to you Volvo and," she pulled out more keys, "Your jeep." they quickly got into position. Emmett gave Edward a quick peck on the lips. Everyone was laughing for ten minutes straight. Except Emmett and Edward.

"I'm tired." announced Bella and sat down. "Soulja Boy get over here." demanded Bella. Jasper sighed and walked over to her. She whispered something in his ear and his faces split into a grin. "Rosalie she wants you." he said going back to Alice. Rosalie walked over.

"Best of both worlds." said Bella closing her eyes.

"excuse me?" asked Rosalie. Bella opened one eye and said, "Sing it." Rosalie scoffed but started singing it. By the time she was done Bella was asleep.

"You idiot, Harry Potter dyed his hair bronze. No King Kong is not dead, well he is but, no he's married to Hannah Montana. Soulja Boy is married to the evil faerie queen. Her tithe to Hell I suppose. Harry Oh I am gonna set him up with a friend named Victoria. But we call her Ginny." mumbled Bella and rolled onto her stomach. Mostly everyone was shaking with laughter except Edward and Rosalie who was still pissed. Edward looked at her small form in desperation. What had he done?

**I know this is my 4th chapter in a half-an-hour and it's 10:45 but I love this story so this is my last chapter for tonight.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own Twilight. **

Finally she woke up. She looked around and asked, "Where am I?" for a second everyone thought she was better until she said,"Oh yeah, CandyLand with Soulja Boy, The evil fairy queen, Hannah Montana, and Harry Potter. Kay." and jumped up.

"I'm bored." said Bella. Uh-Oh. "You." she said pointing at Emmett, "Do something." he gulped. "Um..." he did a King Kong imitation. She just stared at him and shook her head when he was done. She turned to Jasper. "Dance." she commanded.

He sighed and turned to Edward, "Your flipping lucking that I love Bella and I'm your brother man." he said and started doing the dance. Bella was smiling while everyone else was laughing their butts of.

"How do we get her sober?" asked Alice.

"I dunno. I think It'll wear off." said Jasper. They sighed.

"It's been five hours so it should wear off soon." said Jake.

"Damn." muttered Quil. They glared at him.

Bella came over.

"Harry do a magic trick." she said. Edward sighed. He did a really pathetic trick. Bella found it hilarious.

"Hey fairy queen," called Bella. Alice looked up. "Come here." Alice walked over. "We're gonna play...HOUSE!" yelled Bella. Alice's eyes widened. "You can be the baby and I'll be the mommy."s aid Bella. "Soulja Boy is the daddy and Harry, and Hannah are the other children. King Kong is our pet along with them." she said pointing to the wolves. The Cullens laughed at that.

"Go to your room young man!" yelled Bella pointing at Edward. He sighed and walked over to an imaginary room. "Hannah stop kissing our pet!" yelled Bella to Rosalie. She stopped and sighed. "Now you," she pointed at Jasper. "Go get...pizza." Jasper stared at her then smiled. "Of Course." he said so she could hear but added so only his family could hear, "Yes! I get to leave!" he said and ran off. They pouted. Pretty soon,

"CARSILE AND ESME! THANK HEAVENS!" Yelled Rosalie as they saw to figures coming towards them. Carsile and Esme reached them.

"OMC it's Dumbledore! And Keria Knightly!" shrieked Bella. They looked confused. Edward started to stand up but Bella said,"Sit down! You are still in time out!" and proceeded to shriek as Jasper came back.

"Soulja Boys back with Pizza!" yelled Bella. Carsile and Esme looked at each other. "Soulja Boy?" asked Carsile. They nodded.

"This is Soulja Boy, The evil Fairy queen, Hannah Montana, King Kong, and Harry Potter your favorite!" said Bella pointing them out. Jasper handed her the pizza and she put it on the table. "Come and get it!" yelled Bella and four hungry werewolves burst into the "house" and ate it.

"What! What a waist!" yelled Jasper. They laughed.

"What is going on?" asked Carsile.

"Bella's on crack." everyone said.

"How long?" he asked.

"Five hours." said Jake.

"It should wear off in one hour." said Carsile.

"Thank God." they all said.

One hour. How bad could that be? They had no clue.

**There is chapter five? Anyway RxR!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own Twilight. **

They were all talking, well really arguing, about whether the Cullens should take her or not.

"How about she decides." said Jake.

"Thats not fair! She's high!" yelled Emmett. Jake smirked.

"Since when are you fair?" he asked.

"Bella?" called Jake. She walked over and sat down. She looked really sad.

"Whats wrong baby?" asked Embrey. Edward growled. She looked up.

"We're over!" she yelled. He looked horrified.

"But..But...I love you!" he cried. She flipped her hair over he shoulder and said, "Frankly I don't give a damn." and sat down next to Jake.

"Oh guess what!" she squealed. They looked worried.

"Me and Mikey are going out!" she screeched.

"WHAT?!" they all yelled.

"Hahahahahahahaha! Just Kidding!" she laughed. They rolled their eyes.

"Half-an-hour." said Carsile. They all breathed a sigh of relief. Just then they heard Bella say, "Yes Thank You. Mhhmm. Five minutes? Okay Bye." and shut...Emmett's phone. She walked over and handed it back and his wallet. Wait his wallet!

"Oh God. Bella what did you do?" asked Emmett. She giggled and pointed up.

A plane was writing something in the sky. They all groaned when they saw what it said.

**King Kong loves Hannah Montana, The evil fairy queen loves Soulja Boy, Dumbledore loves Keria Knightly, and Harry Potter loves Victoria.**

"Bella how much did that cost?" asked Edward.

"Only two-thousand dollars Harry." said Bella brightly. All of a sudden she sat down and grabbed her head.

"Damn my head hurts." she muttered. Then she passed out.

When she woke up she saw eleven figures standing above her. Oh God Edward. She stood up. They all looked at her. She whimpered and hid behind Jake.

"Bella?" asked Jake.

"Why are they here?" she asked.

"Are you normal?" asked Quil. She nodded.

"Bella I am so sorry and I love you. Please take me back!" pleaded Edward.

**There is the next chapter. Enjoy!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I don't own Twilight. **

She stared at him.

"Um..." she said backing up behind Jake even more.

"I don't know Edward." she said sadly.

"Bella, please I left to protect you. So you could have a normal life." he said.

"I...I...I...okay." she said.

"But, on one condition." she said turning to Jasper. He gulped.

"Will you sing Soulja Boy?" she asked sweetly. He turned to Edward.

"Like I said dude, you are freaking lucky I love Bella and want to see you happy." she said. Then he sighed and did the dance and sang the song. Everyone was dying (no pun intended) from laughter.

Bella ran over to Edward and kissed him. Everything was good. Or so they thought. Then Bella found out the joy of drinking...

**Bella Drunk is going to be the sequel! RxR!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I JUST FINISHED BREAKIG DAWN! OH. MY. GOD. THAT WAS JUST...WOW. Slight spoilers... Did you guys like it? All the surprises and new family members? I didn't. I kinda didn't even like the book. Not happy enough and I wanted to strangle Bella a lot. And Jake. And the new family member. And Irina. And Aro. And a lot of people. I'm kinda disappointed in SM. I got so hyped up about this and forsaken my beauty sleep to stay up till 12:30 and kinda all for nothing. So, review on this or PM me with your reviews of BD. I want to know what everyone else thinks! Oh and I won't be updating on any of my stories for a while. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe, Topaz Eyes or it all comes down to this, but thats it.**

**Oh, and I was surprised about how many people got what would happen right. Spoiler alert...**

**With the baby, Jake's imprinting on her,and her power and the blood lust thing.**


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